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FZ: Seppuku Tales - How Seppuku Saved Christmas(2)

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Seppuku soon exited the Federation HQ with his elves, Santa Claus remained in Jody's office due to the complications dealt to his leg. Now, Jody followed Team Seppuku with her own team, comprised of Dr. Stewart, Dr. Clash, Mr. EAD, Rick Wheeler, Jack Levin. Yuri Anderson and his men were also present on the scene, ready to take down 'Santa' if need be.
The Man of Darkness stood before the millions of citizens, then raised his hands into the air.
“My people, I have come forth bearing presents to celebrate the human ability to share and all that stuff...”
An extent of the population cheered his intentions on, in which made even Jody raise her eyebrows. With this being said, Seppuku had Earl and Chiya hand him presents from the bag. He held two presents up.
“With that said, let the sharing commence!” Seppuku gazed upon the first present he was holding, “Okay, uh, the first one is for... Lisa... Su- Suo- Suo- ...who the Hell came up with this name? It's awful...”
And so throughout the night, gifts were passed down upon the people of the Upper City one by one. Seppuku, Chiya, Earl, Rose, and even Jody's team aided in the offerings. Combined, progress was made at an intensive rate. Crowds of people would leave with gifts every few minutes, even Jason Knox found himself gifted.
The black-haired man opened his gift and glared, “Sandpaper?”
Seppuku nodded, “To fix your car with.”
“Oh... great...”
While Seppuku may not have been very considerate or overjoyed by the moment, his companions were; Chiya and Rose both expressed immense joy in offering citizens presents, even Earl found joy in that this small act of kindness would help combat the wrongdoings of his past. Overall, Seppuku's plan was a success—even if it was done through very unorthodox and criminal-like execution.


As many hours went by, the final soul had acquired gifts. Exhausted and relieved to be done, Seppuku tore off his white beard and mustache, then his red stocking.
“Done.”
Clapping came from behind, both Team Seppuku and Team Summer turned to find Santa Claus approaching them with two working legs. The sight of Santa able to walk agitated Seppuku on the mark.
“What the Hell! You can walk, fat man?”
“Ho, ho, ho! Seppuku, I was never in peril!”
Chiya gasped, “You weren't?”
“No, ho, ho!”
The team convened and faced Santa, Earl held his arms out and asked, “Why, Santa? Why would you lie about your leg?”
Seppuku cracked his knuckles with barred teeth, “Get squawking...”
The Christmas legend put his hands together and answered, “To teach you a lesson about sharing!”
“I'm feeling about ready to share my foot with your ass...”
Santa raised a finger, “Ho, ho, perhaps later.” He turned to face his companions, “Don't you feel satisfaction knowing that you took part in something this year, rather than sitting around and waiting to receive?”
Rose hummed, “I guess it was nice trying to deliver those presents; at least our intent was good...”
Santa placed a hand over the witch's shoulder, “Next time, leave the gift delivery to One Day Shipping services...”
Chiya hummed as well, with an arm around Earl, “It was nice coming together as friends with a common goal of making others happy.”
The Christmas legend faced Seppuku, Chiya, Earl, Rose, and Jody, “But now, it's time for your presents!” With a tongue stuck out, he electrocuted everyone, “Christmas... magic!”
The five found themselves standing with boxes in their hands, Jody and Seppuku were the only two left with startled faces. Chiya, Earl, and Rose exchanged excited glances.
“Each box contains a desire! What desire may each contain? Go ahead, find out!”
Without hesitation, everyone began to unwrap their gifts. Seppuku shot his open with a gun and held it up, which caused Jody to glare.
“Oh, right! I'm throwing your ass in the slammer! So, enjoy your present, lieutenant.”
Seppuku gasped upon looking inside the present, “Oh my gosh, look!” With a pleased face, Seppuku pulled a card out of the box, “It's a 'get out of jail' card! Signed by Jody Summer herself!”
Jody's eyes widened; the back of the card contained a small text contract promising the continued freedom of Lieutenant Seppuku. The bottom of the card was signed by Jody Summer.
The Man of Darkness chuckled, “Looks like I'm free.”
Jody swung herself around toward Santa, “I didn't sign that.”
“Ho, ho, ho! But it is your signature!”
“I didn't sign that. It's an illegal contract, fabricated nonsense.”
Santa waved his finger in disapproval, “It is your signature, signed by you.”
“No, it's not!”
Seppuku snickered, “Nope, it's real. You signed it.”
Jody began to glow red, “That doesn't-” She looked down at her present, dug inside, then smirked. Right against Seppuku's face, Jody slapped Seppuku with much of the same. “Oh, look, a 'go to jail' card signed by Lieutenant Seppuku.”
Seppuku stomped his foot down, “I didn't sign that! Who the Hell would sign such nonsense!?”
Santa chuckled, “It's your signature.”
“Bull! That's fabricated nonsense!”
Jody nodded, “At any rate, I'm using this to put you in prison.”
Seppuku growled, “Then I'm using this to exempt myself!”
The two became silent, faced with the issue of contradiction. Through the power of Christmas magic illegally forging signatures, both gifts essentially canceled the other out. Jody and Seppuku continued on with their tension-filled moment, until Seppuku lowered his card.
“Status quo?” he proposed.
“As always...”
Earl looked inside his present and smiled, “Oh, wow!” The Korean pulled out two tipless leather gloves, an exact replica of those once worn by Korea's finest leader. He put them on with a wide smile. “Can't wait to work these things out in the garage.”
Rose lifted the top of her present off and looked inside. She grunted and blushed as various photos of a half-naked Earl came into sight; many in very suggestive poses. The witch eyed many of the photos with an expanding blush.
Earl faced Rose with a grin, “What did you get, Rose?”
The witch slammed the present shut, “Sc- Scented candles.”
Rose and Earl both got beside Chiya as she began to open the present. Her eyes widened and glistened upon looking at the contents. Santa winked at Chiya, while Seppuku turned and asked the question.
“What did you get, Flower?”




From behind Seppuku's desk, on the computer in secret, Chiya typed aloud, “And then Chiya pulled out a teleporter that took Earl to their new mansion out in the country. With them came Mauser and twenty new cats. The twenty-one cats lived outside with them happily and Earl had sex with Chiya for the first time and she got pregnant, had five babies, and they all lived happily ever after.” Chiya pressed enter, “The End.”
Seppuku kicked open the door to his office and flipped on the lights, Chiya widened her eyes and quickly saved her work.
“Flower! What the Hell are you doing in my office!?” he lectured.
“Writing a Christmas story-”
“Get out.”
“No!”


Merry Christmas!
This will later be listed as mature content, primarily for cussing.

Unfortunately, this does need to be a two-parter, but just barely. Went over the 10k word limit by just a hair.


After almost a year, Team Seppuku's back to deliver more door kickings, slapstick, drama, and awkward romance! To close off the year 2015, I submit one final literary work--this one of massive size. Join Chiya, Earl, Rose, and Lt. Seppuku as they tackle a Christmas adventure taking place in a non-canon universe, one without Dark Million. This Tale centers solely around comedy and almost nothing else. Does Seppuku have the power to keep Christmas in Mute City on track after almost ruining it? Or will he quite literally destroy the holiday in a surprising twist that many have come to expect from me? Tucker down, enjoy some holiday edibles, and have a Happy New Year!

For those who are still wondering, this could potentially be read by anyone without needing to worry about spoilers. The only obvious spoiler this Tale contains is the relationship between Chiya and Earl, but let's be honest, that's not really a spoiler. I would recommend only reading this if Parts 1 and 2 have been read, but I'm only recommending this, I suppose, those with no knowledge at all on F-Zero: Seppuku could read this if they so desired without ruining the saga.

Part 1:  FZ: Seppuku Tales - How Seppuku Saved Christmas(1)
This Tale contains spoilers from Part 2/3 of the saga. However, this takes place in an alternate universe version of Part 2/3, specifically, one where Dark Million does not exist and Team Seppuku lives in peace. With this in mind, I merely 'warn' individuals of potential Part 2/3 spoilers. Ultimately, I wouldn't suggest reading this unless Part 2/3 has been read.
Warning, this Tale contains the following: Sexual themes (mostly implied/mentioned), mentioning and/or consumption of alcohol, violence, and minor cussing.

== How Seppuku Pretty Much Ruined Saved Christmas =
It was a cold Christmas night in the metropolis of gold; the Upper City would now cheer while the Lower City continues to fear. The day of sharing and caring had come for the Upper City, but not for the common street bum of the Lower City. Darkness, loneliness, hopelessness; not even this bright day could bring them delight. However, this would be changed by a young woman's plea, in which on

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Prologue: F-Zero - Seppuku 1/3 : Prologue

Story contains violence, sexual themes, alcohol, mentioning of drugs/tobacco, agnostic religious views, and offensive language anywhere below the "F" word.

Disclaimer: I do not own F-Zero, all F-Zero titles are property of Nintendo. Most characters in F-Zero: Seppuku belong to Nintendo, (with the exception of Chiya Flower, Earl Bendek, Lieutenant Seppuku, etc.) In addition to this, F-Zero: Seppuku is a non-profit and non-canon work; any donations toward F-Zero: Seppuku will be declined. You can show your support of F-Zero: Seppuku by providing your support to any community asking Nintendo to create a new F-Zero video game.


© 2015 - 2024 Siontix
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TheRevivedracer's avatar
Ah, so it seemed to be a fanfic, within a fanfic. That scene with Jody Summer and Seepuku at a standstill was simply funny. But it is their signatures on the cards after all. :)